September 2004

As the personification of this great country, of course I, Uncle Sam, like all my fellow Americans, want to be rich and live forever. I even believe, contra George Bush, that I will never be truly poor or truly die. I have faith in the promise of America. And I want to make clear that I really like being rich and powerful, and kind of think I deserve it. Could we all be rich and powerful? Why not? But wealth is not my number one priority.

Mainly what I care about is–duh!–my soul. Yes, even Uncle Sam has a soul, and I would rather die and be true to my ideals than live and betray them. That’s what being Uncle Sam means to me. If that last sentence sounds quaint or even if it sounds abstract or irrelevant, I would ask you to consider to what degree you’ve become a victim of these times.

Let me make clear where I stand on this whole soul thing. I am not a pacifist, and as a guy who has always driven a hard bargain, I’m not going to give away the store. As a nation, I cannot abjure the use of power and survive, yet if I don’t restrain my predatory development policies I will not prosper. That’s what makes the morality of a nation the same as the morality of a person.

From the beginning, I have defined the terms of the compact that guards me from the fatal corruption of my soul or the ruinous tainting of my honor: fight to the death for the idea of freedom, and never allow that idea to be eroded away by small acts of cowardice.

I am especially concerned about our history of extortions, assassinations, and betrayals, as well as our enslavements, invasions, subjugations, conquests, genocides, and annexations. Yes, most of these things seemed necessary at the time, and until recently. And yes, they were all actions that a majority of well-informed citizens signed on to. But the guilt and responsibility for all of my crimes is a part of me. The bad stuff will always be there, but we still have tomorrow in our hands.

Yes, our enemies killed a whole lot of innocent civilians a few years ago, and that proved what we had forgotten, which is that we are vulnerable, and also taught us something new, which is that certain recently developed ideas and technologies mean that the field of war can be carried anywhere, to anyone, at any time.

I know what my pals Washington and Jefferson would have said. “It can be shewn with Authority that the chief Purpose of these, our Near Eastern Enemies at War, is above all to shake the Confidence of the Citizenry in the Principles of this Republic. To curtail our Freedoms in response to these base and cowardly Attacks upon mere Innocents would be to grant these Terroristes nothing less than the Victory for which they strive.” Or something like that.

We’re going to take some hits. But the original ideal of freedom, the freedome that created our Amerika, is “Don’t Tread On Me.” They are willing to die; are we? If not, then what is worth dying for? In my short 218 years, I’ve sacrificed 10 million of my sons to freedom. The real threat is not about whether or not more people are going to die. Of course they will, probably. But we are at a cross-roads, where we have to decide whether being America is about having it easy, or if it is about something else. When I was young, a few hundred years ago, I wouldn’t have had to explain this to people, but we’ve gotten fat and lazy.

We need to rise up, and wake up, and saddle up! I want YOU!

It continues to look bleak, with the NYTimes reporting today that Bush’s lead is indeed in the double digits. So, here are some of my suggestions to blow it open:

1) Go on Howard Stern, talk guy talk

2) Have a beer and say “I’d love to do this with George, but he don’t drink!”

3) Rent an hour on TV the night before the debates

More free Karl Rove-ish advice to Kerry: In your appearances and in your speeches, you need to develop a theme which will carry you over the transom and on to victory on election day. You need to say the words: “George Bush” over and over as if it was cussing. Over and over. Don’t say which George Bush. Lump ’em up, but substitute this phrase for what is wrong, even for terrorism.

Say, but now that we’re dealing with… pause … (and people will wonder what it is you’re going to say) George Bush. Saying his name like this, with a sigh, will make it seem synonymous with the problems of the country.

Another limb Kerry might go out on is to address Bush personally. He almost seemed to do it in the 1st debate, and it made for great theatre. He could say: “George, you have awesome powers…you are mighty…(in a very condescending way, as if to say: ‘O no, we know you’re powerful.’). And when you grabbed for that presidency, that was American. We Democrats were shell shocked. We couldn’t believe what you guys did, and in retrospect, we should have fought for every one of those votes down in Florida. But I’m not going to make that mistake this time.

Kerry should say: “I’ll make this pledge George Bush. This campaign has been very intense. And whoever wins deserves the full support, assuming we can ascertain that the election was conducted fairly, deserves the full support of the American people, and the full support of their opponent. If we win, I don’t want you to run away. If we’re going to deal with this new threat of terrorism, we’re going to have to have an unprecedented effort. Now Mr. President, I know you have a temper, and can get quite short with people who you don’t like or who disagree with you. But are you willing to help this country even if you aren’t President. I sure know if I lose I’ll still be at your disposal, ready to serve. So please don’t turn away in anger if I win…we need you. You’ve been there.

Actually, in many ways you’ve done a great job. And my heart goes out to you. But you’re messing up on this one major level, which is that what you’ve set up is gonna cost so many human lives, cost the world so many resources, and indeed could lead to whole sections of the world burning, and so we’re here to retire you. But that doesn’t mean we won’t fight this war.”

Imagine looking back 100 years, and seeing these as the top 10 headlines (picked off Yahoo! at 11:00 pm) 6 weeks before the presidential election.

U.S. Air Attacks in Falluja Kill 15 in 24 Hours

Suspected Israeli Agents Kill Militant in Syria

Pakistan Kills Militant Wanted for Musharraf Plot

Iraq Dogs Blair as Party Conference Starts

Jeanne Wreaks More Havoc in Battered Fla.

Pearl Slaying Suspect Killed in Pakistan

Kerry, Bush Start Debate Preparations

Iraqi Gen. Arrested As Violence Continues

Oil Heads Toward $49.40 Record

Election Heightens Terrorism Offensive

In my 228 years, this is getting close to as bad as it’s been.

Last week, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld commented, “Let’s say you tried to have an election and you could have it in three-quarters or four-fifths of the country, but some places you couldn’t because the violence was too great. Well, that’s — so be it. Nothing’s perfect in life. So you have an election that’s not quite perfect.”

Powell’s deputy, Richard Armitage, later said Iraq elections must be “open to all citizens” and that partial elections were not being considered.

My good friend and icon Paul Bunyan contacted me today about the election. Here is what he had to say:

Remember when the sock monkey was choking on pretzels and growing nasty looking boils out of the side of his face? Even as recently as this spring he had a near breakdown during his brief televised press-conference. But Satan has filled him with strength, and he hardly seems like the same man. The AntiChrist clearly is a role that one grows into.The demonic flame that animates him is tricky to manage, it falters when exposed to life, and burns too bright if allowed to feed too hungrily on bloodlust and vengeance. The monkey man, the mockery wrapped in human skin, is always at risk of exposure via some stray flick of the tail. But when he is put through perfectly controlled simulations, he glows with piety and strength. As Satan’s PR guys sharpen their skills, we cross into the era of the manufactured event, the manufactured reality, the manufactured person. We hear the vaguely sinister news that Bush forces audience members at his rallies to sign loyalty oaths, and at first it makes no sense. By the old logic of politics, a politician wants to show himself, to speak to the people. But Bush is an avatar of Power, Power for its own sake, built around a contentless, devouring void. The rallies of the faithful are a shroud of concealment around his emptiness, and at the same time they are a kind of summoning ritual. The faith of the believers is the power source from which is manufactured the illusion of Bush, the good and strong man.